With the insane amount of natural
disasters happening recently on our planet recently and the fact that Mitt
Romney might actually become the leader of the free world, I feel pretty
confident in saying that the impending zombie apocalypse is upon us. Like any
normal human being, I have taken steps to ensure my survival WHEN the zombie
apocalypse does happen sometime in the near future. Today, I am sharing my
short list of do’s and don’ts with you guys because no one should have to face
a horde of zombies without some sort of plan.
DO:
Learn some parkour. This can only help you. Not only will you get fit in time for the apocalypse, you will also learn how to do some ninja ass stuff. I’ll take the guy who can back flip over a wall and do three twist/spin thingys midair over the guy who can’t. Don’t be that guy left behind because you couldn’t leap from building to building to save your life.
Learn some parkour. This can only help you. Not only will you get fit in time for the apocalypse, you will also learn how to do some ninja ass stuff. I’ll take the guy who can back flip over a wall and do three twist/spin thingys midair over the guy who can’t. Don’t be that guy left behind because you couldn’t leap from building to building to save your life.
DON’T:
Bring a fucking dog or get in a group with a fucking dog. They either attract too much attention because of their barking OR they do some dumb shit like run off. Running off is the WORST because the little kid who owns the dog is gonna go after it and seeing how you guys are a group, you have to go after the kid. This is gonna get someone killed. I love my dog to death but there’s no shot in hell I’m gonna survive with her by my side.
Bring a fucking dog or get in a group with a fucking dog. They either attract too much attention because of their barking OR they do some dumb shit like run off. Running off is the WORST because the little kid who owns the dog is gonna go after it and seeing how you guys are a group, you have to go after the kid. This is gonna get someone killed. I love my dog to death but there’s no shot in hell I’m gonna survive with her by my side.
DO:
Get a fat person in your group. Slightly overweight people are awesome because they provide comic relief for the already down mood of the entire planet. They cheer everyone up and always have something profound to say every once in a while. If all else fails, they serve as great bait. Let’s be honest. We all know when it comes down to crunch time, you’ll pick YOU over THEM 10 times out of 10.
Get a fat person in your group. Slightly overweight people are awesome because they provide comic relief for the already down mood of the entire planet. They cheer everyone up and always have something profound to say every once in a while. If all else fails, they serve as great bait. Let’s be honest. We all know when it comes down to crunch time, you’ll pick YOU over THEM 10 times out of 10.
DON’T:
Fire off your pistol at every damn zombie. Learn some damn
hand to hand combat. Find a Spanish friend and learn how to swing a damn
machete like a proper man. I never understood why no one in zombie shows or
movies can ever find weapons with silencers?
DO:
Get rid of your conscience. The world has gone to absolute shit and it’s everyone for themselves. Unless they’re your immediate family, assume that they are out to kill you and take all your shit. If little Timmy is trying to rob me in the middle of the night, I’m going to assume that he’s going to report back to his camp and let all his buddies know where I am. Fuck that. Timmy isn’t going home. Ever.
Get rid of your conscience. The world has gone to absolute shit and it’s everyone for themselves. Unless they’re your immediate family, assume that they are out to kill you and take all your shit. If little Timmy is trying to rob me in the middle of the night, I’m going to assume that he’s going to report back to his camp and let all his buddies know where I am. Fuck that. Timmy isn’t going home. Ever.
DO:
Pack some Trailmix Bars. They are fucking delicious. They’re light and don’t jingle in your bag and they never go bad (at least I don’t think they do). Quick on the go and keeps you energized. You can’t go wrong here. A suitable replacement is Haribo Gummy Bears and/or Kettle Cooked Chips. I've never been a big fan of Poptarts.
Pack some Trailmix Bars. They are fucking delicious. They’re light and don’t jingle in your bag and they never go bad (at least I don’t think they do). Quick on the go and keeps you energized. You can’t go wrong here. A suitable replacement is Haribo Gummy Bears and/or Kettle Cooked Chips. I've never been a big fan of Poptarts.
So there’s my short list of how to survive the zombie
apocalypse. I’m obviously not going to give up all my secrets but this list
should be more than enough to get you through the first few months and by then,
you should’ve come up with your own unique survival techniques. Too bad that by
the time the world ends, this blog will be nothing more than a digital fart and
you will probably forget 99% of what you just read. Oh well.
