First Date No No's.

A comedic start for my first post after a LONG hiatus. 
Wrote this a while back when I was still writing for a certain magazine. Just wanted to share it with you guys. 

Whether your goal is to get laid on the first night or set the groundwork for a potential relationship, there are a few things all men should avoid if they want hit a homerun and score a few points with their date.

1.)  Don’t stare. This isn’t a Disney movie and you’re sure as hell not Prince Charming so keep the puppy dog eyes to yourself. No one wants to be stared at the whole and night especially not a woman who might already be a little self-conscious. Unless you’re locked in a riveting, deep, soul touching conversation, don’t keep your eyes locked to her face or breasts.

2.)  She hasn’t won the Publisher’s Clearing House. Flowers and/or a small stuffed animal are a nice gesture but please don’t show up on her doorstep with a million gifts like she just won the lottery. By doing so, you’re inadvertently handing over the pants and opening the door for a potential gold digger.

3.)  You’re not a circus act. You damn sure don’t want her to be the bearded lady so don’t be a sideshow freak yourself. No one cares about your sixth toe or the mole behind your neck. There’s absolutely no reason to make her lose her appetite before her meal even arrives. Keep all disfigurements, extra ligaments and bodily tricks to yourself.

4.)  Don’t say everything you’re thinking.  Studies show that on average men think about sex every SEVEN seconds. If you end up saying everything that comes to mind it’ll come out sounding something like “Sex, sex, sex, sex, OH! CLEAVAGE, sex, sex, sex, food, sex.” Before you start licking your lips and winking at her, ask yourself one question: “Do I really want to look like I’m in a 70’s porno?” Got a Tom Selleck stache? Didn’t think so.

5.)  Don’t mistake her for a piece of fruit. There’s not need to be constantly touching her and rubbing your hands all over her. She doesn’t need to be checked for ripeness. Unless it’s her melons…but you need permission for that. That comes later if you’re lucky enough.

Of course these are only a FEW of the MANY rules you should be following on the first date if you want to avoid looking like a sex hungry fiend. The horny freak card only works less than 1% of the time and when it does work, you’re more than likely to be wake up the next morning with some sort of burning or itching or even worse, a combination of both. Follow these simple rules and even if you don’t succeed the first night, at least there’s an almost guaranteed 2^nd date to come