Wrote this a while back when I was still writing for a certain magazine. Just wanted to share it with you guys.
Whether your goal is to
get laid on the first night or set the groundwork for a potential relationship,
there are a few things all men should avoid if they want hit a homerun and
score a few points with their date.
1.) Don’t stare. This isn’t a Disney movie and you’re sure as
hell not Prince Charming so keep the puppy dog eyes to yourself. No one wants
to be stared at the whole and night especially not a woman who might already be
a little self-conscious. Unless you’re locked in a riveting, deep, soul
touching conversation, don’t keep your eyes locked to her face or breasts.
2.) She hasn’t won the
Publisher’s Clearing House. Flowers and/or a small stuffed animal are a nice gesture but
please don’t show up on her doorstep with a million gifts like she just won the
lottery. By doing so, you’re inadvertently handing over the pants and opening
the door for a potential gold digger.
3.) You’re not a circus act. You damn sure don’t want her to be the bearded
lady so don’t be a sideshow freak yourself. No one cares about your sixth toe
or the mole behind your neck. There’s absolutely no reason to make her lose her
appetite before her meal even arrives. Keep all disfigurements, extra ligaments
and bodily tricks to yourself.
4.) Don’t say everything
you’re thinking. Studies
show that on average men think about sex every SEVEN seconds. If you end
up saying everything that comes to mind it’ll come out sounding something like
“Sex, sex, sex, sex, OH! CLEAVAGE, sex, sex, sex, food, sex.” Before you start
licking your lips and winking at her, ask yourself one question: “Do I really
want to look like I’m in a 70’s porno?” Got a Tom Selleck stache? Didn’t think
so.
5.) Don’t mistake her for a
piece of fruit. There’s not need to be
constantly touching her and rubbing your hands all over her. She doesn’t need
to be checked for ripeness. Unless it’s her melons…but you need permission for
that. That comes later if you’re lucky enough.
Of course these are only
a FEW of the MANY rules you should be following on the first date if you want
to avoid looking like a sex hungry fiend. The horny freak card only works less
than 1% of the time and when it does work, you’re more than likely to be wake
up the next morning with some sort of burning or itching or even worse, a
combination of both. Follow these simple rules and even if you don’t succeed
the first night, at least there’s an almost guaranteed 2nd date to come
