Freedumb

I can't imagine the pain and suffering of those families who have lost someone in the senseless tragedy in Newton, Conn. Not that losing someone isn't heartbreaking enough, having it be so close to Christmas almost makes it that much worse. I know this unimportant blog post that they will probably never read will make no difference in their pain but if one of them, or someone they know happens to stumble across this, I'd just like them to know that there's one extra stranger from NY praying for them in every way imaginable. I don't care how you've sinned in your lifetime or all the things you've done wrong. No parent in the world deserves to shed these type of tears. No parent deserves to say goodbye to their children like this. 

So for all those are lucky enough to have family around them this holiday season, hold them close. Kiss them. Hug them. Remind them how much you love them and make sure you make every single moment count because the truth is, our time here is not guaranteed. You could lose someone in the blink of an eye when you least expect it. Don't be that person that regrets never letting that special person in your life know how much he or she meant to you. 

If I could ease your pain with keystrokes or bring back your children with simple words on this page, I would not hesitate to type until my fingers bleed, until my last breath. 



We live in the greatest country in the world. Although we've fallen off a bit, there's still no doubt in my mind that we are absolutely blessed to be raised in this country with all of the amazing opportunities that are available to us each and every single day. The problem is we take these rights and liberties and we twist and bend them to a point where they've blurred to nothing more than a grey mush.

The right to bear arms...

Ironically written on Dec. 15th, 1791. 221 years to the day. It amazes me how barbaric our country can be sometimes. We're supposed to be the most advanced and enlightened country in the world; ever progressing and adapting with the changing times and yet there are some aspects of our culture and history that we can't seem to let go of. The Constitution was written over 200 years ago. Yes, there are important Amendments that make us as great as we are as a whole but there are some that are severely outdated and NEED to be changed. It was adopted when rifles fired off ONE shot and had to be reloaded with a pellet AND gun powder.

It's 2012. We have weapons that fire off hundreds of rounds in a matter of minutes. The weapons have changed. Our perception has changed. Violence has not. The "Right" has not. The people who support the Right to Bear Arms are just a bunch of down south hillbillies who are borderline (if not completely) racist. They're thinking is assbackwards and they've managed to deface this Right and turn it into something absolutely disgusting. I'm not saying a person shouldn't have the right to protect themselves but I just can't see why someone would need to own more than one hand gun.

What is the purpose of owning 3-4 weapons that can fire off countless rounds at a moments notice? The impending Zombie apocalypse is no excuse. It's complete bullshit.

We have one of the highest handgun murder rates in the entire world and it's because there are a select few groups of Americans that believe their Right to Bear Arms is a green light to stockpile weapons like a militia. We need to change this. We need to change this because the sad fact is there are people out there with mental disabilities, uneducated and violent people that do not need to be anywhere near weapons that can take away an innocent child's life. I know i know. The NRA and those who support them always preach about government control and how giving up a SINGLE ONE of our Rights will lead to the rest of them being stripped away. I'm not asking to give up my right. I'm asking that it is regulated. I wouldn't mind having a pistol safely tucked away in my house to protect my family if ever came down to it (God forbid) BUT I will never see the need to go Duke Nuke 'Em in my basement. It's unnecessary. It's dangerous.

No one is scared to speak up but everyone's scared of acting. I'm waiting for the day that someone steps forward and takes action. If this past year wasn't enough of an example, I'm not sure how much we would need to make the people in D.C. see that we need gun control.

What is LOVE!?

Love, real and true love can never be defined because to define something would mean that you are able to grasp it, bottle it and explain it. True and unrequited love can never be contained. It's something that cannot be explained or put into simple, common words.

It's something that is just is. 

It's there and there should never be an explanation needed because for those who truly are blessed enough to have in in their lives, it's absolute and never in need of an explanation or definition. It just is and that always has been and always will be more than enough for those people lucky enough to experience it. LOVE is not weakness. It is pure and absolute strength.To be able to bare so much of your heart and soul out to the world only means that you're willing to put yourself at risk. At risk of getting hurt. At risk of feeling pain. At risk of having sorrow. 

For those out there who are gifted by the love of another person or strong enough to love someone else, I salute you. Make the world go 'round. 

Nice Guys!?

It’s something I’m sure everyone has heard at least once in their life. It’s become a redundant cliché that Hollywood has used and abused for countless bullshit teen movies. The idea that “nice guys finish last” has been recycled over and over again and yet people keep feeding into it. Everyone wants to root for the underdog. I’m here to tell you that the “nice guys” are pussies.

I’m not saying they have to go out and be all about the thug life but there’s no reason to sit at home waiting for the perfect girl to magically fall into his lap. “Nice guys” have this amazing habit of sitting around all day complaining about how the “perfect” girl always falls for the bad boys that treat them like shit and take them for granted. With them, it’s a constant stream of self-pity bullshit that makes you want to rip your own ears off and mail them to Guam. These guys sit around all day waiting for the girl to come around and finally realize that they are meant to be together, meanwhile they make absolutely no effort into letting the girl know how they feel because they’re “afraid of messing up an amazing friendship.” They’re so engulfed in the idea that they’re going to crash and burn once they confess their feelings that they don’t realize one simple fact; The longer you withhold your holdings, the longer you’ll remain in the friendzone and end up being the gay bestfriend that’s nothing more than a crying shoulder for the girl when the bad boy breaks her heart. You’re perpetuating your own stereotype. You’re the cause of all your damn problems with your self-consciousness.

It’s a sucker move. You want that amazing, Nicholas Sparks love but you’re not willing to risk your friendship? That’s a piss poor excuse. If she was truly that amazing and that “perfect” why would you let another second go by without giving it a chance. Just a chance.  One single chance. Why let another moment waste away with you only watching from the background and thinking of all the what if’s.  Those who are not willing to risk will never be rewarded.

Get up off your ass and go take a shot. If it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t worth it from the beginning and it’s better that you found out sooner rather than later.

Thank me later. 

The Do's and Don'ts of the Zombie Apocalypse

               With the insane amount of natural disasters happening recently on our planet recently and the fact that Mitt Romney might actually become the leader of the free world, I feel pretty confident in saying that the impending zombie apocalypse is upon us. Like any normal human being, I have taken steps to ensure my survival WHEN the zombie apocalypse does happen sometime in the near future. Today, I am sharing my short list of do’s and don’ts with you guys because no one should have to face a horde of zombies without some sort of plan.

DO:
Learn some parkour. This can only help you. Not only will you get fit in time for the apocalypse, you will also learn how to do some ninja ass stuff. I’ll take the guy who can back flip over a wall and do three twist/spin thingys midair over the guy who can’t. Don’t be that guy left behind because you couldn’t leap from building to building to save your life.

DON’T:
Bring a fucking dog or get in a group with a fucking dog. They either attract too much attention because of their barking OR they do some dumb shit like run off. Running off is the WORST because the little kid who owns the dog is gonna go after it and seeing how you guys are a group, you have to go after the kid. This is gonna get someone killed. I love my dog to death but there’s no shot in hell I’m gonna survive with her by my side.

DO:
Get a fat person in your group. Slightly overweight people are awesome because they provide comic relief for the already down mood of the entire planet. They cheer everyone up and always have something profound to say every once in a while. If all else fails, they serve as great bait. Let’s be honest. We all know when it comes down to crunch time, you’ll pick YOU over THEM 10 times out of 10.

DON’T:

Fire off your pistol at every damn zombie. Learn some damn hand to hand combat. Find a Spanish friend and learn how to swing a damn machete like a proper man. I never understood why no one in zombie shows or movies can ever find weapons with silencers?

DO:
Get rid of your conscience. The world has gone to absolute shit and it’s everyone for themselves. Unless they’re your immediate family, assume that they are out to kill you and take all your shit.  If little Timmy is trying to rob me in the middle of the night, I’m going to assume that he’s going to report back to his camp and let all his buddies know where I am. Fuck that. Timmy isn’t going home. Ever.

DO:
Pack some Trailmix Bars. They are fucking delicious. They’re light and don’t jingle in your bag and they never go bad (at least I don’t think they do). Quick on the go and keeps you energized. You can’t go wrong here. A suitable replacement is Haribo Gummy Bears and/or Kettle Cooked Chips. I've never been a big fan of Poptarts. 

So there’s my short list of how to survive the zombie apocalypse. I’m obviously not going to give up all my secrets but this list should be more than enough to get you through the first few months and by then, you should’ve come up with your own unique survival techniques. Too bad that by the time the world ends, this blog will be nothing more than a digital fart and you will probably forget 99% of what you just read. Oh well. 

First Date No No's.

A comedic start for my first post after a LONG hiatus. 
Wrote this a while back when I was still writing for a certain magazine. Just wanted to share it with you guys. 

Whether your goal is to get laid on the first night or set the groundwork for a potential relationship, there are a few things all men should avoid if they want hit a homerun and score a few points with their date.

1.)  Don’t stare. This isn’t a Disney movie and you’re sure as hell not Prince Charming so keep the puppy dog eyes to yourself. No one wants to be stared at the whole and night especially not a woman who might already be a little self-conscious. Unless you’re locked in a riveting, deep, soul touching conversation, don’t keep your eyes locked to her face or breasts.

2.)  She hasn’t won the Publisher’s Clearing House. Flowers and/or a small stuffed animal are a nice gesture but please don’t show up on her doorstep with a million gifts like she just won the lottery. By doing so, you’re inadvertently handing over the pants and opening the door for a potential gold digger.

3.)  You’re not a circus act. You damn sure don’t want her to be the bearded lady so don’t be a sideshow freak yourself. No one cares about your sixth toe or the mole behind your neck. There’s absolutely no reason to make her lose her appetite before her meal even arrives. Keep all disfigurements, extra ligaments and bodily tricks to yourself.

4.)  Don’t say everything you’re thinking.  Studies show that on average men think about sex every SEVEN seconds. If you end up saying everything that comes to mind it’ll come out sounding something like “Sex, sex, sex, sex, OH! CLEAVAGE, sex, sex, sex, food, sex.” Before you start licking your lips and winking at her, ask yourself one question: “Do I really want to look like I’m in a 70’s porno?” Got a Tom Selleck stache? Didn’t think so.

5.)  Don’t mistake her for a piece of fruit. There’s not need to be constantly touching her and rubbing your hands all over her. She doesn’t need to be checked for ripeness. Unless it’s her melons…but you need permission for that. That comes later if you’re lucky enough.

Of course these are only a FEW of the MANY rules you should be following on the first date if you want to avoid looking like a sex hungry fiend. The horny freak card only works less than 1% of the time and when it does work, you’re more than likely to be wake up the next morning with some sort of burning or itching or even worse, a combination of both. Follow these simple rules and even if you don’t succeed the first night, at least there’s an almost guaranteed 2^nd date to come